My next step forward in finding enlightenment took me into many situations and experiences that I can look back on and understand that my life is definitely a spiritual journey. Have you ever ended up somewhere, in a physical space, situation, culture, city, or job where you sit back in total awe and amazement to find that you are there with absolutely no understanding of how you got there and why?
My journey through life has definitely been one of total spontaneity and surprises. This part of my journey begins when I took a course to deal with some of my less desirable qualities as a human being.
I was self centered, greedy, willing to move ahead with my life and financial situation not caring about anyone other than myself. I had gone through the trauma of losing a child, followed rapidly by divorcing my childhood partner and friend, and being totally devastated by the world and all of the misgivings that had occurred in my life. A wise doctor prescribed medication, valium, to get me this very rocky and rough part of my life. The beginning of a drug addiction and the inability to make it through a day without being totally stoned and in awe of the world that was now completely outside of my reality. After running out of my medication and finding a new and even wiser doctor, I went to procure my new outside reality and he issued me only one prescription and asked me to come back and see him the following week. I did and he stated that he would no longer provide me with the medication that I now needed to make it through the day. In my wisdom, I found several other doctors who were willing to provide me with the necessary high to make it through this rocky part of my life which I was holding onto, just in order to stay high.
Then a new doctor entered my reality, asked to see the pills that I was carrying around with me . He then took them and flushed them down the toilet with me witnessing the entire scene. What was I to do now? He told me that if I chose to do this, that I would have to find my prescriptions elsewhere and that I should just go out and become a drug addict outside of using the legal drugs that I had been given by the medical system. What a scary thought that was! He also suggested that I should go and see a counsellor or therapist to deal with my issues. Although I was frightened I did manage to spend some time using illegal drugs as an escape route, but after crawling across the floor looking for my next fix, I felt a sense of presence within me, and realized what I had become. A drug addict!
I headed straight for a counsellors office, where the counsellor told me after several visits and several hours that he believed he should be sitting down and talking to me rather than me talking to him. That statement changed the course of my life forever. I left knowing that my somewhat dubious existence was changing rapidly. Drug use, using people, and hiding from reality soon became an issue of the past. I entered into a program in another town to learn how to deal with people, left behind my house, cars, way of life, and began confronting myself to find out who I truly was from the core of my being. At the end of the program, many of my fellow students would not believe me, so I was given a conditional pass which meant that I would be monitored and would not graduate from this program. At this point, I was angry, disappointed, hurt and totally pissed off . I remember saying that’s O.K. I will just go and work with young people, they will believe me! At this point I began to recognize that what comes from my soul is meant to be and before I knew it I had become a child care worker in a Northern Community with young offenders. This is where I met my son, who chose me as his foster mother.
Surprise, surprise he was the same age as the son that I had lost would have been. My life with my son has been and still is special, full of love, caring compassion and definitely has taught me much about what love is and isn’t. I do know today that love is a spiritual journey of personal growth. He and I have shared this journey of love.
The next step forward in spirit took me to work in the prison system with incarcerated MEN!
I had learned in my life to use men, and so it was not surprising that the next part of my spiritual development was working with those who had used, abused and conned others into believing that they were something that they were not. This was a real turning point for me as I sat in prisons working with groups of men in a Skills training program. Many of these individuals became my greatest teachers and showed me what I did and did not want in my life. One individual who I had developed a friendship with in the system provided me with the next lesson on my journey towards understanding my spirituality, my spiritual being. I had applied for a position working in the North in Human Resource Management. I had initially applied for this position because I was annoyed with the prison system and some of the abuses that were taking place there, and I wanted an adventure. I said to myself that I wanted to be somewhere safe and removed from everything I had ever known and surprise, surprise, I was offered a job in a small Inuit community in he N.W.T. The money was good, the experience and adventure were great, but I would have to leave the safety net of working in the prisons and once again changing my reality totally to move into this new adventure.
My foster son had left home, he was dealing with his own growth and addictions and I knew it was time to move on.
As I was struggling with this decision, I had decided to stay put, when one of the inmates approached me and said “Are you nuts”? I have spent 17 years of my life locked up, and I hear you saying that you have a chance for this kind of freedom, going somewhere that you can learn, grow and become all that you are and you are turning it town!
My life changed at that point and in a very short time I was on an airplane headed for the Arctic. Another step forward into ice, snow and a totally foreign way of life. Just me and my dog, knowing no one, and definitely learning a new way of life and survival. This was a time of great spiritual growth and understanding for me. My reality was totally shaken, I learned that I could not survive on my own in this foreign place, and I learned to reach out, talk to others, and really listen to myself and my inner being. Without the strong spiritual base I had developed through my experiences, I would never have survived this experience. My Inuit friends left a lasting impression in my life. They are a people of few words, a foreign language, and a people of total connection to the land and all that is a part of the land and their world. I began to realize that who they are is spirit, which meant that who I am is also spirit. I just needed to become more consciously aware of who I am in the moment that I live in. Thank you all of my friends for this lesson.
After this lesson, honouring and respecting myself, the land, and every inhabitant of the land it was time to head back and move on with my life. The intrigue of staying in hiding in the north was overwhelming, but my inner being was telling me that much more existed for me in my journey through life. At this point my sister became an integral part of my next lessons. I had given up on men, relationships, sexual pleasures, and I was quite happy just being me. I got a call from my sister to come and visit her in her new home in British Columbia. I had holidays coming, so I bought an airline ticket and was on my way. If I would have known that this trip would mean that I would leave the Arctic, I would not have taken it, but as they say Spirit moves in strange ways. The strange way it moved was “I met a Man! I had been single, free, and not involved with anyone mentally, physically or emotionally in relationship for many years. Deprivation had become my way of life, so I really was not expecting to make any changes because of meeting someone. Here he was, I bought into the whole scene hook line and sinker, went back to the North, and decided that if I was ever going to leave the north it would have to be right now! Before I knew it, myself and my dog were headed back south all in the name of lust. I very quickly secured a job, got dumped from a lustful relationship and totally gave up on finding a man to share my life with. I was happy, working, and back with family. It was great for a few months, and then my little inner voice began saying that it was time to meet someone new. I ignored the little voice and said that I was great being with me, my life was wonderful, I could do what I chose to do at any time, and I asked myself why I would want anything different. I had developed a good life for me……… then some friends and my sister mentioned that I should meet a man who lived in this town who was just like me, or rather who was “weird, just like me”. I just laughed and said, I’m not wanting anything to do with anyone, but sure enough in a short period of time he and I met, and we are still together today! At this time I learned that when the timing is right the lesson will appear or another way to say it is “When the timing is right a teacher will appear”. My partner is and has been a great teacher for me. When I first met him his message to me is that we find relationships to grow one another. I continue to grow, learn and become more conscious of myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually within his presence.
In the past I had looked for everything in relationships that allowed me to stay where I was never looking for enlightenment through relationships. Well, once again I was somewhat misguided by not listening to what I have always known inside of me.
At that time, my son had left home, I was free, and this wonderful weird man has two daughters. When I realized that this was not what my head wanted I ran away from home and headed north to discuss this dilemma with a wonderful person I had met while living in the Arctic. While I was away one of his daughters got a case of the stomach flu and my inner self wanted to be back in the south with them. I went back to him and his daughters and continued to move forward on my spiritual path towards enlightenment, still not believing that I had found it. Today, many years later, our family life journey is strong. We are blessed to learn from each other daily.
I have cleared many secrets that I carried through life knowing that clarity comes from me accepting all that I am, all that I have been, and all I have done Mentally, Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. Peace, love, light, blessings and clearing for us all as we travel through our lives learning, growing, and becoming who we truly are!